You Might Not Need More Confidence
I’m a therapist and I never thought of myself as a particularly confident person.
But I did move to the UK for university without knowing anyone, cold-emailed researchers to ask if I could work with them for experience, applied for jobs I thought I was not good enough for (and got some of them), and went to Myanmar by myself.
I also said no when I was being asked to do too many (or too ridiculous…) things at work, and stood up for myself when I was getting dragged into office politics.
By all intents and purposes, all of that could be seen as the behaviour of a confident person, right?
Well, I certainly didn’t feel confident - or at least, not how I thought a confident person would feel - calm, collected, put together, never questioning themselves. No, not me. I was bloody terrified. I thought I was going to make a fool of myself, and my insides were shaking.
Does that take away from what I did? I actually don’t think so. And that, my friends, is why we probably need to talk about what people think confidence is, and what it might actually mean.
So what is confidence, anyway?
I just googled the word “confidence” and looked at images - most of them are of people in a Superman pose, with phrases like “yes, I can can” or “believe in yourself” written all over them.
If you’re here, though, I assume you feel less like Superman and more like Charlie Brown or Courage the cowardly dog. And the thing is, what Charlie Brown and Courage have in common is that although they are shy, insecure, and anxious, they are also resilient and caring - they don’t give up, and care deeply for their loved ones.
We’re taught to admire people who stand tall, speak loudly, and don’t break a sweat no matter what they do. This is seen as confident. And don’t get me wrong, they may be great people, and if they truly aren’t too phased by much in life, I love that for them.
Most of us aren’t like that though. And I’d say that one of the biggest lies in mental health / psychology is that we should aspire to be that particular brand of confident, and only then will we be able to live the lives we want to lead.
This creates a whole host of people who end up invalidating who they are and how they feel, and putting on performances every day. Implicitly, this sends the message that we should be different, and that we are therefore not good enough. It’s also bloody exhausting.
Instead, over time, I came to admire people who own who they are and how they feel. Who are willing to be vulnerable and genuine, instead of performing. Who feel however they’re feeling - anxious, insecure - and put themselves in uncertain, risky situations anyway.
Because it’s one thing to just feel calm and do the thing - but to feel anxious and still do it - that’s quite something. And to own this, and talk about it, so others don’t fall in the same trap? Swoon.
There are nuances to this, of course - some people can’t afford to do all this as readily as others - because we live in a systemically discriminatory world full of “-isms” - racism, ableism, classism, sexism, and others. So this isn’t about “getting over yourself”, or “not caring about what others think”, or doing anything unsafely.
It’s about the work that we can do on the pressure we put on ourselves, the high expectations, the high standards, the beating ourselves up - instead of knowing that we can feel however we feel, and not only is there nothing wrong with that, but it also doesn’t have to mean it holds us back.
Maybe confidence comes afterwards
We’ve grown to think that we need to think a certain way before acting - we need to feel motivated, or confident, in order to do something difficult or scary.
But the thing is, someone can feel anxious and still act. Someone can look confident while internally doubting themselves. And someone can trust themselves without feeling particularly confident.
Feeling confident ≠ acting confidently ≠ trusting yourself.
So where does that leave us? Because if confidence isn't the feeling we assumed it was, what are we actually waiting for when we tell ourselves “I just need to feel more confident first”?
Maybe it’s about:
Identifying the beliefs you may hold about yourself, other people, the world - those beliefs that shape what you think you can achieve, what you deserve, how others may respond, and how the world is built
Understanding where these beliefs may operate, and importantly, how to hold them more lightly when they don’t serve you
Similarly, identifying how you experience and relate to the feeling of anxiety in itself - and learning to stop making it your life’s goal to reduce or get rid of anxiety before doing what you want
Getting really good at noticing how this all shows up in the moment - maybe niggly thoughts that tell you you’ll screw up so you shouldn’t even try, maybe anxiety making your heart pump out of your chest which you interpret as a sign to stop - and learning not to let it all take over, while honouring where it’s all coming from
Identifying what you really, truly, value, and what you want to stand for - and using this as a guide instead
Maybe it’s about building confidence through doing, rather than waiting to feel it first.
If you’ve been stuck waiting to feel more confident so you can become the self-assured, proactive, charismatic version of yourself…
I’m so glad you’re here - because supporting clients to dismantle what is essentially the expectation that they need to be someone else before they live the way they want to is something I’m super passionate about.
You can read about how I work with high-achievers, and, more specifically, how I approach therapy for low self-esteem, for anxiety, and with neurodivergent folks.
Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, burnout, or OCD, including autistic and ADHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.
I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.
If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, I offer a free, no-pressure initial chat.
