Why You Keep Doubting Yourself (No Matter How Much You Achieve)

Have you ever wondered how some people seem to just be able to trust themselves that they’ve done well enough? To be satisfied with their work, or their actions more generally, and even be able to accept a compliment or two without wanting the earth to swallow them whole? To not doubt themselves and their worth constantly - and feel like nothing’s good enough?

People who just do something, look at it, shrug, think to themselves “that’ll do it”, and get on with their day.

If that’s a foreign concept to you, you’re not the only one. 

You might be one of those people who set high standards for themselves, which first of all are nearly impossible to get to (so, to get there, you need to push yourself hard), and second of all, once you do get there, it’s sort of a… “meh, what’s next?”.

Call it self-doubt, call it being an overachiever, call it perfectionism… or maybe call it low self-esteem (especially the kind that shows up in high-achievers) - because they’re all related.

What self-doubt can look like (especially if you’re a high-achiever)

Self-doubt isn’t always loud or flashy. It’s not necessarily openly berating you.

It can often look like a niggling voice in your head:

• Criticising you (“that’s complete rubbish” - even when everyone else disagrees), or

• Trying to make sure you’ve done everything perfectly (“are you sure that’s right?” - even though you’ve worked hard, as usual)

But one thing that people often don’t realise is how this can show up in your actions:

• Spending lots of time preparing, planning, checking

• Asking for reassurance

• Not being able to finish something and just let it be without going back to it

• Always working on the next thing, and the next, and the next

• Not being able to rest

• Feeling uncomfortable when receiving compliments

All this can come with emotions like:

• Anxiety

• Guilt

• Shame

• Sadness 

The beliefs and rules behind self-doubt - especially in overachievers

It might seem almost counter-intuitive that you keep doubting yourself even though you keep accumulating achievements. You might think that all these achievements should add up to you feeling more confident, not less.

But the thing is, your self-doubt is likely to be pretty engrained - and therefore, leads to you seeing things through so-called tinted glasses.

See, we all grow up going through certain experiences which shape the way we see ourselves, other people, the world. It doesn’t have to be anything incredibly traumatic, or even badly-intentioned. Examples of such experiences for overachievers can include parents or teachers who pushed you to do well, going to a competitive school, having older siblings who were “successful” etc.

This can lead to the bar being pretty damn high, and you feeling like you fall short - developing beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m incompetent”. And because these beliefs are rather painful, you may also have developed some rules to help protect you from them - “I must do everything perfectly”, “If I don’t push myself, I’ll never achieve anything”, and so on. As long as you stick to the rules, you’re less likely to be “found out”.

So, you hold onto these beliefs and rules tightly, and… they rule your life.

The self-doubt-tinted glasses

When you operate from a place of self-doubt, it can seep through everything. 

• You made a mistake? - of course you did, because you’re incompetent (you believe).

• You did well and got complimented? - ah well, it wasn’t that big a deal.

• You forgot something inconsequential - there it is, more compounding proof that you’re incompetent.

And all of this - if feels true, so you… inhabit it, you take it as the absolute truth.

What you may think helps

There’s probably a part of you that recognises all this isn’t sustainable, but doesn’t know where to start.

Maybe you’ve tried stuff like self-help books, affirmations, yoga… and they’ve got you nowhere.

But the thing is, it’s not as easy as “thinking more positively”, or breathing deeply. For three main reasons:

1. They may be plasters over woundholes - “managing” or “coping” may not quite be addressing the underlying, deeper beliefs and rules, nor the way you treat them as gospel

2. You may still be overworking, overthinking, and under-resting - which keeps you in a loop of doing all this, functioning relatively well (judging by outward results alone), and this telling your brain that this is what’s needed for “success”

3. You may be sending the implicit message that there’s something fundamental about you that needs fixing - which, as an overachievers, pretty much defeats the propose, with “fixing yourself” becoming another thing you set sky-high standards for

What can actually help

As a therapist for high-achievers, I tend to approach things from two main angles:

1. Day-by-day, in-the-moment stuff - getting really granular as to:

   1. What your days look like, what you actually do, and whether or not there’s some semblance of balance

   2. What goes through your mind and what keeps your mind busy - and how caught up you get in it

   3. How you feel emotionally and how you tend to handle this - by pushing it away, or allowing it?

2. Working at the level of beliefs and rules:

   1. Discovering when they get in the way, and testing new ways of responding to this, without losing your edge, but without losing your mind either

Both these angles make sure we do things in depth, for long-lasting change, while also honouring your experiences and your unique mind - helping you do the things that make your life truly meaningful even when things get in the way.

If you’re tired of this loop - constantly pushing, doubting, thoroughly exhausting yourself - this is my bread and butter in therapy.

You can read more about my approach to therapy for self-doubt here, or read about therapy for high-achievers more generally here.

I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, or OCD, including autistic and ADHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.

I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.

I offer a free, no-pressure, initial chat to see how we fit and if it would be helpful to work together - it would be great to meet you!