We Got “Failure” All Wrong
We humans are pretty bad at failing. And, I’d say, it would do us a whole lotta good to get better at it - and maybe think twice about what it means in the first place.
Everything these days is geared towards success. Achievement. Performance. Even reading these words might make your mind summon images of Harvey Specter going to “close” yet another super high-paying client, Meredith Grey winning the Harper-Avery award, or, if you’re not one for guilty-pleasure TV series from the 2010s, names like Taylor Swift, David Beckham, or Warren Buffett (I tried to avoid naming the obviously horrible people).
The problem is that, as your mind may have just demonstrated, we often equate success with money, fame, status, or career. And, perhaps even more importantly, we imagine that successful people somehow got there without rejection, mistakes, self-doubt, or years of plodding through ordinary life.
Indeed, who decided how we define success (and failure)? What happened to simple, peaceful, content lives? And don’t even get me started on how our world’s common definition of success is probably rooted at least partly in Western, extroverted, neurotypical, consumerist etc. standards.
And what unrealistic fairytale land is this where “success” is a linear, predictable trajectory - because as much as we deny it, no one talks about their bumps in the road, their lows, the times they almost gave up (or actually did). It feels embarrassing, maybe humiliating too.
Where does that leave us? We have a completely warped idea of what success is - and therefore, what failure is. And that may just show up in more ways than you’d think.
How fear of failure shows up as low self-esteem, anxiety, OCD, burnout
When you grow up being praised, either explicitly or implicitly, for being clever, productive, useful, mature, easy-going (I could go on…), you sort of get this unspoken message that praise (and perhaps, therefore, affection or love) is conditional.
And if you think about it, what other unspoken message may come from this? Maybe that you’re not enough just as you are. Maybe that you’re only worthy if you achieve. Achievement stops being something you enjoy. It becomes something you need. It becomes tied to safety.
And because achievement seems more like a necessity for being accepted, appreciated, safe - it never ends. You might feel relief for a little while after reaching a goal, but it's quickly replaced by the next one. "Cool... what's next?"
From there…
You ruminate about the past to learn from your mistakes
You worry about the future to be prepared
You generally get caught up in thought loops because everything has a meaning and everything seems important so you don’t want to miss anything
You criticise yourself for motivation
You compare yourself to others for an extra push
You overwork, overprepare, overplan to prove yourself and not be exposed as inadequate
You censor yourself (or maybe mask) to not be difficult
Look a little closer, and these patterns often sit underneath difficulties like low self-esteem, “high-functioning” anxiety, OCD, or burnout (to name just a few).
And if you’re neurodivergent, LGBTQIA+, or from an otherwise marginalised group, you may also be carrying the additional weight of minority stress - making the need to prove yourself even stronger.
The problem isn’t that you’re not trying hard enough
Can I make a lil’ bet here? If you’re reading this article thinking “yep, that sounds about right”, you’re probably not finding yourself still stuck from lack of trying.
In fact, you’ve likely tried at least some of this stuff:
Read self-help books (audiobooks and podcasts count, too)
Tried one productivity system after another
Set yourself ever higher standards
Tried to think more positively (or repeated positive affirmations)
Tried to "manifest" things
Exercised more, eaten better, taken supplements
Journalled, meditated, or even gone on yoga retreats
And the thing is, none of these things are inherently bad. Some may even be helpful (probably not manifesting, though…).
It’s just that they're just trying to solve the wrong problem. Because if the underlying belief is "I'm only worthy if I achieve," then many of these strategies simply become another way of chasing achievement - they end up reinforcing the rule.
Basically, if your worth still depends on succeeding, your mind doesn't really care whether you're using productivity apps, mindfulness, or colour-coded planners. It's still asking the same question: "Have I earned being enough already?"
Changing your relationship with failure
Ugh, I can already see you shudder - “what do you mean, I don’t want to fail, that’s the whole point!”
And yep, that IS the whole point.
Because everyone’s definition of success (and therefore, failure) can be different - and maybe the first step is questioning whether yours is really and truly yours, rather than a product of what you’ve been told it should be.
So here’s your permission slip to step off the career ladder if it’s not the ladder you actually want to climb (I’m reminded of that guy’s linkedin profile that went from something like senior software engineer with Microsoft to goose farmer). To want something different than to get married and have kids. To downsize, declutter, and for it to be ok to want less.
To get curious about what you genuinely care about, at your core, and build a life that's more in line with that, bit by bit.
And in doing so, to start to also flip the idea of failure on its head - so it’s no longer about getting everything right, but being able to handle it when you don’t without falling apart. Because, between you and me, things do go pear-shaped quite a bit in life!
What might that look like in practice?
Making room for mistakes.
Trying something you're rubbish at.
Letting yourself be average.
Being playful.
Doing things simply because you enjoy them, not because you'll be good at them.
And the effects?
Doing things that are actually aligned with what you care about.
Being more present.
Trusting yourself to cope when you don't "succeed."
Facing difficult things more wisely instead of avoiding them.
Being more yourself.
You might just find that success was never about getting everything right. And perhaps failure was never actually meant to tell you who you are.
If this all feels a little too familiar…
I’m so glad we’ve found each other.
It's one thing to realise that you've inherited certain beliefs about success and failure. It's a bit of a different ballgame to start living differently.
That doesn't happen overnight. But it is possible to build a life that's guided more by what matters to you than by what you feel you have to prove.
If you'd like some support with that, this is exactly the kind of work I do in therapy. You can find out more about how I work with high-achievers and therapy for low self-esteem.
Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, burnout, or OCD, including autistic and ADHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.
I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.
If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, I offer a free, no-pressure initial chat.
