At the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, modern life can be incredibly complicated - especially if you’re driven, but also thoughtful and somewhat sensitive - and that’s coming from a therapist.
Not only are there so many options of what your life could look like, but also, you have what seems like direct access (via social media) to how others are living theirs to compare, contrast, and lose sleep over. Add to that the number of times we’ve heard the phrase “unprecedented times”, and it’s no wonder that your mind starts asking existential questions.
Questions around meaning, purpose, goals, and figuring it all out - but also, maybe, questions around fairness, justice, and how to get unstuck when the odds seem stacked against you.
For me personally, this all has taken me from questions around career choices and what fits me as a person, or around building a life in a different country than my close family, to how to keep going when I felt unsettled after relationship breakdowns and other big life changes, stuck in work situations, or limited by finances - all in the context of sky-high expectations of myself.
I found my mind making catastrophic assumptions (“If I don’t get this job, my chances to pursue this career are completely gone, so what’s the point?”), fatalistic assertions (“I’m just not the kind of person who can do this, so I guess I have to figure something else out”), and getting stuck overthinking all the lives I could or should be living.
And the thing is, while life IS complicated, and a lot of these themes are more than valid, there are different ways to approach them - some more helpful, some less so. If you’re feeling stuck, aimless, and critical of yourself - and it’s getting in the way of living life meaningfully, you might have got caught up in some of the less helpful ways - but you don’t have to be.
You don’t have to figure everything out right now
Life moves fast, years pass, and everything changes - and the more this happens, the more pressure you might put on yourself to know where you’re headed, what you’re doing with your life.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself where this pressure is coming from?
Is it coming from what you’ve grown up being told about what a “successful” adult life looks like?
From everyone and their cat having clear life trajectories and milestones - and those who don’t, never talking about it?
Maybe from society feeding us this image of education, career, family, property - as the one and only way of doing things right?
But what happens if that’s not you? Or it’s not you, yet? Or you just don’t know?
I would argue that there’s nothing wrong with not knowing - it may just feel wrong if you’ve developed some beliefs and unwritten rules about successful people knowing what they want, specific goals giving life meaning, or changing direction meaning you’ve somehow failed.
For me, I’ve just moved house knowing full well I’m likely not going to stay here forever - here in this flat, in this area, maybe even in this country or on this continent. I’m still new to juggling private practice with my uni supervisor role - and I don’t know what my career is going to look like long-term, or even what I want it to look like, in detail. And I definitely don’t know what I want my free time to look like, while I try and discover new hobbies or rediscover old ones, and realise I’m not necessarily a regular hobby kind of gal.
What I do know is how I want to live for now - with kindness, curiosity, perspective, and a whole dose of whimsy.
So maybe you don't have to have it all figured out (and also, trying harder to do so will likely not make it happen any faster). Maybe, for now, it's enough to explore how you want to live in the midst of all that life has brought up for you.
What matters to you, in the midst of all this?
I ask this question because I want you to start distinguishing between goals and values - but also between things that matter to you, like “I care about family” or “I care about my career”, and how you want to show up in these different areas of your life. Because the latter are much more likely to give you a sense of direction, even when you don't know exactly where you're going.
Unlike goals, which you can achieve or tick off, values are qualities you can keep bringing to how you live - wherever you are, and whatever is going on.
So how do you go about exploring these? There are all sorts of metaphors and exercises, but one of my favourites is the 85th birthday party exercise. Now, I generally use this as a bit of a guided imaginal practice, inviting the person to close their eyes, set the scene and so on - but the main questions are always the same: What would you like people to say about you at your 85th birthday party? What would you like your life to have been about? How would you like to have shown up in life?
Even now, as you're reading this - what came up for you? Have a lil' think - remembering that it's about what is really important to you (even if you're not quite living in line with this now), not what you think should be. There are no right or wrong answers.
For me, values like kindness, patience, genuineness, open-mindedness, curiosity, humour, and whimsy (if that's a value) seem to be the main ones - but that doesn't mean that others don't sometimes come up. It also doesn't mean I live by all of these, equally, all the time. They're a guide.
Making space for difficult thoughts and feelings along the way
Having an idea of how you'd like to show up in life, regardless of what's going on, is a big step. But often, the human mind tangles itself in knots trying, in the grand scheme of things, to keep you safe.
This might come up as all sorts of thoughts (like those telling you that you're behind, that you've made the wrong choices, or that things will never work out). And you might feel all sorts of emotions, like frustration, sadness, envy, anxiety or a sense of helplessness.
It’s very understandable and natural that these thoughts and emotions make you feel a little (or a lot) stuck. So, you’d be doing yourself a favour understanding this in the first place, and also, learning some tools to get yourself unstuck.
One thing to keep in mind is that we can look at these thoughts and emotions as what they actually are - (powerful) psychological phenomena that, however, don’t need resolving or getting rid of before you can take meaningful action.
Instead, you can absolutely learn to relate to those experiences differently, while continuing to make small choices that reflect your values. So, maybe invest a bit of time in getting to know your mind better, so you can more easily spot when it leads down unhelpful paths.
And then, when you notice these thoughts coming in, maybe say to your mind “Thanks, mind - thanks for sharing - but I’m still going to do this other thing here that’s more valuable” (or any variation that feels aligned for you).
And when you notice these emotions, instead of trying to calm down or stop feeling, maybe try breathing into the area of the body where you feel this emotion the most, and making space for it - allowing it to be there. Of course, making space for difficult feelings doesn't mean accepting circumstances that need to change, or giving up on making those changes.
Now, there is a lot of practice, and a lot of nuance involved in all this (for example, if you’re neurodivergent and have alexithymia, you might struggle and that’s completely expected). But we’re just planting some seeds - so that you know that you don't have to wait until life feels settled, or until your mind is quiet, to start living in a way that matters to you.
If you're trying to work out what you want from life, while also actually living it…
I'm so glad you're here - because helping people to step away from the pressure of having to get everything right, figure everything out, or become some idealised version of themselves before they can live the way they want to is something I work on with clients a lot (and I love to!).
You can read about how I work with high-achievers, and, more specifically, how I approach therapy for (“high-functioning” - not a fan of the label, but…) anxiety, and with neurodivergent folks.
Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, burnout, or OCD, including autistic and ADHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.
I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.
If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, I offer a free, no-pressure initial chat.
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