The Overachiever’s Guide To Meeting Your Own Needs
I’m a therapist and I spent three days last week watching Supernatural on the sofa. Here’s why that’s not a problem, and how I won’t spiral (my taste in TV shows aside).
Last week was a pretty busy work week for me, and then on Saturday I went for a long walk through London, before going to bed at a reasonable time. My Sunday had been planned in my head - some life admin and some more work (there’s always something more to do, right?).
But Sunday morning came, and I could barely open my eyes. I dragged myself out for the shortest dog walk known to man (sorry, Calli!), did breakfast for us both, and pretty much passed out on the sofa watching my new 2000s TV show obsession, Supernatural.
I tried at various points to do something, with no success - my body felt as heavy as lead, my concentration, nowhere to be found. So, defeated, I’d end up back horizontally on the sofa - a stark contrast to Dean and Sam Winchester’s energetically fighting evil mythical creatures all over the US. Monday and most of Tuesday followed suit.
Now that I’ve painted that picture, let me stop the frame and tell you how wrong this would’ve all gone for me some years ago, and how it was actually quite glorious now (imagine that split-screen thing some movies do to show you when the story could go one or another way).
Carina from years ago would’ve:
Worried and catastrophised - When am I gonna get this all done? What if I get behind? My week is gonna be so much busier. What if I never catch up? What if this has an impact on money? What if I’m burnt out again? Etc. etc. etc.
Panicked - Heart pounding, shivery, fidgety, unable to just be but unable to focus, fighting it all and adding a layer of frustration and anxiety about anxiety
Criticised myself - I should just get over it, why am I so tired when others have it way worse than me, I’m being spoiled and self-indulgent and ridiculous
Forced myself to get up and do something even though I would have been physically sick
Made it all out to mean something horrible - I’m a failure, I’m inadequate, I’m unworthy, I’m not good enough
Current Carina:
Noticed some worries around workload and busy week and all the stuff that needs to get done - but let them be there while focusing on what was more important - resting
Noticed some anxiety and panicky feelings - didn’t like them, would much rather not have them, but didn’t fight them
Criticised herself a little - but then thought about how I coasted burnout for the past few years, how maybe I just need to rest and not use my brain in any particularly intelligent or productive ways, and how I was getting caught up in capitalist societal expectations about productivity - and actively said “F no” to that
Continued burning through episode after episode and actually enjoyed it
If there were any horrible meanings around in my mind (which there may have been), I didn’t pay attention to them as I was too busy swooning over Dean Winchester
Now let’s break it all down so you can start noticing and meeting your needs too.
The hidden beliefs and rules that might be painting everything
The human mind is a weird and wonderful thing, with its layers upon layers of thoughts and beliefs. While we may notice some thoughts as they come up (“what if I never catch up?”/”damn, I always do this” etc.), others might be part of deeper narratives we've developed over time, based on our experiences.
These could be beliefs and rules about:
Ourselves (“I’m not worthy”)
Productivity and rest (“If I’m not productive, I don’t deserve to rest”)
Our needs (“I shouldn’t need so much rest”)
Anxiety itself and our experience of it (“anxiety is unbearable”/”this shouldn’t make me anxious”)
And also, there’s another big one which could have been another bullet point but it’s so crucial here that it deserves a bit more explanation: what we have been led to believe is helpful behaviours versus what really is.
Because if I hear another so-called wellness expert talk about how they wake up at 4am to get an hour’s run in before making the world’s healthiest breakfast while they listen to a podcast on mental health and then meditate for another hour, I’mma lose it.
All of those are things we’ve been told are helpful. And for some people, they definitely are. But not because there’s something inherently “good” about them - because, for that person, they meet their own individual needs.
For me, all of that would be nightmare fuel, especially when I’m already coasting burnout:
It would add even more pressure and highlight/confirm even more of those unhelpful beliefs about productivity, rest, myself, and my needs
I might struggle with them all and therefore get caught up in thought loops around how I’m not even able to do what’s good for me
Importantly: It wouldn’t be what I need - maybe I need my body to rest, my mind to just engage with fantasy worlds, and my taste buds to taste some real chocolate - not forever, but for right now
And now for another thing to consider - even if you’re aware of all this and may have decided to do what you need just for this time, actually doing so in the moment is a whole other story.
The moment-by-moment struggles
Say you’ve done it - you’ve decided, “you know what, F it, I’m gonna just play my favourite movie and eat industrial amounts of popcorn”. The popcorn is fresh, the opening credits are rolling, and you start to relax into the sofa.
Except… you remember this thing you have to do this week, and wonder if you should just pause the movie and get it done. No, you said you’ll relax. But what’s another few minutes of work before relaxing? But it actually feels like a huge chore, so you feel the anxiety creeping in.
Ah, now you feel anxious. Jittery. Heart racing, shallow breathing, tension. Pit in the stomach. You try to eat some popcorn but it feels like you’re swallowing marbles. You think to yourself, “calm down, relax”. You try some deep breathing. You try to really get into the movie, hoping it’ll distract you. You’re still anxious.
So, you get frustrated - you were meant to be relaxing, what is this anxiety?? Why can’t you relax, what is wrong with you? So then you think that maybe there is, in fact, something wrong with you - and criticise yourself for not coping better.
You’re now even further from relaxing - because you may be trying too hard to relax. Vicious cycle? It is.
One way out of the cycle is to learn, bit by bit, that your aim isn’t necessarily to get rid of everything uncomfortable so you can relax - because ‘relaxing’ may not need to be your aim at all. Instead, it may be allowing yourself to feel however you’re feeling, without needing to make it go away before you can carry on.
And then there’s the neurodivergent bit
If you’re neurodivergent, some of this may sound particularly familiar. Because if you’ve spent years trying to keep up with what everyone else seems able to do, you may have got very good at ignoring your needs - which may not be straightforward to be aware of in the first place!
Your beliefs and rules may have been made even stronger by virtue of the world being built for neurotypical, not neurodivergent brains. For example, if you’re autistic and struggle with change, you may have been called, or at least seen others be called “high-maintenance” - so you’ve developed a rule around keeping quiet instead, so you’re not rejected. Or if you’re an ADHDer, you may have been told you’re “unreliable” or even “lazy”, and that you should try harder. So your rule may be around that - always giving 100%.
These are just some examples, but the point is that the world is really rather ableist - and without realising, you may have internalised some of its expectations and pressures. Upholding these high expectations can trip up even neurotypical people (and often does), but the damage it can do for neurodivergent people may be exponentially bigger - because these expectations are often in complete contradiction to how neurodivergent brains work.
So, if you think you’re picky and should just keep a low profile, or lazy and should always be working harder, no wonder you don’t even get close to starting to meet your own needs.
Now add to this the difficulties you may have in actually noticing and interpreting the signals your body and mind might send you (difficulties with interoception / alexithymia), and things can get quite tricky.
And when you put all of that together, it’s maybe not so surprising that figuring out what you actually need - let alone allowing yourself to meet those needs - can feel really bloody difficult. Which is why it may be worth getting curious about what’s actually going on, rather than simply deciding you need to try harder.
Now what?
I’ve just spent a lot of words trying to help you make sense of why meeting your own needs - really doing so - can be so difficult as an anxious overachiever, including if you’re neurodivergent.
And I truly believe and have seen in practice how helpful this can be - rather than stabbing around in the dark.
But I don’t want to leave you with just an explanation - I want to give you some idea of what can actually help.
Identify your own hidden beliefs and rules - about yourself, the world, productivity, needs, anxiety
See where and how these beliefs and rules show up for you
Figure out if continuing to live in line with them actually aligns with the person you want to be, and the life you want to live
If not, identify the values by which you do want to live, and see how this may bring quite some flexibility to the beliefs and rules (no one says you now have to slack off, but there’s a big difference between this and allowing yourself to sometimes say no, set boundaries, and indulge in a whole tub of ice cream)
Practise mindfulness so you get better at noticing what’s actually happening for you moment-by-moment.
Practise responding differently to the worries, sensations of anxiety, self-critical thoughts and other stuff that shows up - rather than immediately trying to get rid of it or ignore it
Learn about neurodivergence and your particular “brand” of it, so you stop fighting against your own brain
Armed with the flexibility in beliefs and rules, and the better ability to figure out what’s going on in the moment, practise advocating for yourself
If that all sounds well and good, but has left you feeling like, “where the hell do I even start?!”...
That’s completely understandable - and you don’t have to figure all of this out on your own. This is exactly the kind of thing I support people with in therapy.
You can read about how I work with high-achievers, and, more specifically, how I approach therapy for low self-esteem, for anxiety, and with neurodivergent folks.
Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, or OCD, including autistic and ADHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.
I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.
If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, I offer a free, no-pressure initial chat.
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