When High Expectations Lead to Autistic Burnout
What my brain goes to when thinking about the word “burnout” is that infuriating video excerpt from “the diary of a CEO” that’s been making the rounds online where some clueless person says there’s no such thing as burnout. And this doesn’t even touch on neurodivergent experiences!
That person gets it terribly, horribly wrong. She glorifies the grind mentality, and makes it sound like if that’s not you, you’re not successful. And unfortunately, a lot of the world is built like this, and therefore, sets these kinds of expectations.
The expectation that it’s all a choice and if you’re struggling, you just have to try harder.
The expectation that people thrive under huge amounts of pressure and in any environment.
The expectation that we should all be bubbly and upbeat and focused and wanting the same things, without questioning the systems we live in.
You can probably see how this could make pretty much anyone crumble.
It certainly would have made me crumble back in high school, had I not had the huge luck to be in a class with a different way of teaching than most of my country. It pretty much did make me crumble working in a national health service that left no room for flexibility and creativity.
Now take that, and make it exponentially harder.
Harder because of differences in sensory processing, executive function, social conventions, and more - and the message you get hit with again and again that there’s something wrong with you because of all this. The message that it’s a “you problem”, that you need to fix yourself.
… when in fact, autistic burnout is a result of neurotypical expectations placed on neurodivergent people without any (meaningful) support.
When “pushing through” stops working
You’ve been doing it your whole life.
Smiling. Making eye contact. Manufacturing reactions. When you don’t feel like it - or when you’re just not sure what you’re meant to do. And not just that - the whole internal processing that goes with it - taking in all that’s happening, running it through what you’ve been made to believe is appropriate, suppressing what may be your natural reaction (or lack thereof), and pretending.
And that’s just scratching the surface.
Next we have forcing yourself to override what your mind and body need, in order to fit the mould of a world that wasn’t made for you. Highlights may include open-plan offices, corporate meetings, public transport, busy, loud bars and parties, or school pick-ups. You might need quiet, slow, clear - and you get loud, urgent, vague hell.
But because everyone else seems to not have a worry in the world, you push through. You say yes when you mean absolutely bloody not. You go with the flow, don’t make a fuss, keep your head down. You’re polite, pleasant, agreeable. You don’t speak your mind, even when things don’t make any sense.
Of course you do - because all this time, whenever you’ve dared to do something different, you’ve been sent the message that you’re weird. Inadequate. Unacceptable.
Add to that even more pressure when you’re a high-achiever and your worst fear is messing up and being “found out” as incompetent, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for… autistic burnout.
What happens when it all comes crashing down
The thing about autistic burnout is that it often takes a long time to build up - and you might not even really notice as it does.
You’re pretty much frying your nervous system slowly until one day you can’t do it anymore. Sort of like water boiling - it bubbles and bubbles, and then it reaches a threshold and spills over.
Autistic burnout isn’t normal tiredness, it’s not depression, and it’s not neurotypical burnout either.
It’s when all the things you used to roll with now seem impossible.
I’m not talking about stuff that used to be really difficult anyway, but you pushed through. I’m talking about changing out of pyjamas and brushing your teeth. Eating. Having a shower. Moving your body. Answering a non-consequential text.
Clothes feel tight and scratchy. Light gives you a headache. Food has an intolerable texture. You cannot bear the thought of wearing shoes.
It’s been all too much, for too long - and the only way your mind and body knew to protect you was “all systems down”.
How to start building yourself back
If you’ve been trying to rest and it’s not got you anywhere, please don’t despair (unintentional rhyme!).
All rest was not created equal, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone. So, one of the first things you might consider doing is figuring out what truly restores you - and taking it very easily, and very gently.
Removing triggering sensory stimulation might be a big part of this - which can start helping immediately. Trying to sleep in a bright room with windows facing a busy road might not do much. Wearing tight clothes or forcing yourself to eat “healthy” food may just be too much.
To help with all this, you might need to practise noticing and interpreting the signals your body sends - because as an autistic person, you might have some trouble with this. Mindfulness can massively help with this - but don’t think of mindfulness as this stiff, crossed legs, chanting thing, it can (and should) be neurodivergent-affirming!
But what is often really needed is a bit of system overhaul. A re-evaluation of what your life looks / looked like, and what can be re-considered, re-arranged, re-built. By that I mean routine activities that you’ve always thought you had to do yourself, at a certain frequency - think cleaning, cooking, laundry. Who came up with those rules? Can you put some of this on hold, or outsource it (and yes, I'm aware as I’m typing this that there are different levels of privilege that can make this easier or harder).
And if we zoom out even further in terms of how to approach this whole recovery business, I’ll go ahead and guess your mind has already started with stuff like “but I can’t just not do anything, I have to be productive” or “I don’t deserve to rest” or “there’s something wrong with me if I need to do all this”. So these rules you’ve developed because of the huge pressures a neurotypical society has placed on you - they need some work too. Which will then also help with boundaries - saying no, or asking for what you need, separating your worth from your productivity.
With all that, you might feel all sorts of things - shame, guilt, loss - and they’ll need to be held with some self-compassion, even if that word sounds a bit icky.
Finally, when things start looking a little brighter (and they will!) - you’ll need to absolutely not go back to your pre-autistic burnout life. Because it was unsustainable. So you’ll take all of what you’ve learnt, and build your own autistic-friendly life - being better at knowing what you need, engaging in your spins (special interests), stimming when you need to, and most of all, living your truth.
If you’re stuck in autistic burnout and need a hand working through all of what I’ve spoken about above in this whistle-stop tour…
You’re not alone - and you don’t have to keep trying to figure it out on your own.
Whether it’s working in lots of detail to read your body signals better or figure out what can be done differently, or working on the guilt, shame, and painful beliefs that growing up autistic in a neurotypical world has led to, this is exactly the kind of thing I support people with in therapy.
You can read about how I approach therapy for neurodivergent adults, and more generally, how I work with high-achievers - because fear of failure and relentless self-pressure can become huge themes for neurodivergent people too.
Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, or OCD, including autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.
I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.
If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, you’re more than welcome to contact me, or book a free, no-pressure initial chat.
