Being Hard on Yourself Isn’t Motivation
You drop a pencil - “ah, I’m such an idiot!”
You forget to buy toothpaste - “I can’t ever get anything right!”
You need a day to rest - “I’m so weak and lazy, I should be able to just keep going!”
You make a mistake because you haven’t, in fact, rested - “ugh, I always mess up!”
You probably don’t even notice it, but it happens all the time - criticising yourself, putting yourself down, being hard on yourself.
This constant inner voice that won’t shut up. It’s probably “normal” for you, and you think it’s harmless - or that it even helps.
The thing is, though, you believe it. And every time you do, your mind collects another little bit of evidence that it files under “yep, I was right - I am a failure”.
Over time, you see, it all adds up and turns into something bigger than it seems at first glance. And it’s not random - there are reasons why your mind works this way.
Why being hard on yourself can feel like the only way
We’ve all grown up with all sorts of messages around us - whether we’re aware of it or not. And if you tend to have an inner critic, things like “stiff upper lip”, “grin and bear it”, or the all-encompassing “you should just try harder” will likely be familiar to you.
These are messages that essentially tell you that you should always be striving and working, at the expense of your needs and feelings.
Messages that came from, at best, a well-intentioned, but very misguided place. And, because they came from figures of authority - caregivers, teachers, mentors, the media - we’ve internalised them.
You might not even notice it happening, but over time your mind starts to make sense of them in its own way.
Perhaps it tells you that you’re not good enough, or that your worth lies in our achievements. Or that if you ever ease up, everything will fall apart and you’ll be “found out” as incompetent or inadequate.
So then, what purpose might these messages serve?
Often, it’s about feeling in control.
Because if you keep up your discipline and your high standards, and “stay on top of things”, your fear of being exposed as “a failure” won’t come true.
And any alternative is too scary to consider.
Being hard on yourself works (until it doesn’t)
Funny thing is, it sort of works, right? Telling yourself that you’re lazy if you don’t get this thing done tonight, or that you’re a failure for having a small mistake - or that you don’t deserve to rest unless you’ve crossed everything off your to-do list (which is impossible).
You do get it done. You rarely make mistakes. Objectively, you’re doing well.
But at what cost?
There’s this little metaphor I share with clients when they tell me that listening to that inner critic gets them places - it’s the donkey and the carrot metaphor. If you have a donkey and want it to work for you, what options do you have? You can kick the poor donkey - and it’ll probably carry on working. Or you can give it carrots - and get the same result. Which one’s better?
You might get there anyway. But how do you want to get there?
By never switching off, having constant mental pressure, beating yourself up, not being able to enjoy achievements, and never being able to relax - which might push you into exhaustion and burnout sooner or later?
Or by learning a different way - one where you catch your mind when it’s telling you off and not buy into it as much, where you absolutely hold your standards and still achieve everything you want, but for the right reasons, and in a kinder, gentler way - and where you allow yourself to listen and honour your needs.
And while the second option might feel uncomfortable at first, might it be worth it in the long term?
Why “just be kinder to yourself” doesn’t quite land
I can already see your eyes rolling all the way to the back of your head. Or the shudders, feeling uncomfortable in your own skin.
When you’ve been used to constantly criticising yourself your whole life, doing anything differently often doesn’t sit right.
It feels self-indulgent, lazy, or like you’re lowering your standards and accepting mediocrity.
The moment you might try to see things from a slightly different perspective, question your self-critical voice, or not pay attention to it as much, you feel your mind go “but if you fail?” and your heart pumping hard.
Or maybe it feels foreign, strange - like when you try to brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand, sleep on the other side of the bed, or finally start exercising again. Like a new thing you’re trying to turn into a habit but keep dropping.
And all this might even feel like confirmation that you’re not meant to change anything - if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
But you know, deep down, that it is.
What actually helps (without giving in)
Let me say it again - this whole “stop being so hard on yourself” isn’t about giving in, lowering your standards, or stifling your ambition.
It’s about understanding what your internal messages might sound like, where they come from, and how to start being a lil’ bit more flexible about it all - in a way that still feels safe.
That might start with catching when that self-critical voice shows up in the first place. What sets it off. When it’s loudest. What does it lead you to do.
And once you’ve become more familiar with this, it might be time to think about the benefits and the risks of holding onto these rather rigid rules that pretty much run your life. Because there are benefits, of course - but there are, for sure, also costs.
Little by little, you might experiment with doing things slightly differently. Like letting something be “good enough” instead of “perfect” (which, honestly, never feels perfect anyway). Taking a break even when you’re not done. Not buying into the self-critical voice quite as much.
And noticing what happens when you do - because you might be surprised. The catastrophe in your mind might not quite match with reality - and you might be able to feel safe doing things differently.
If your self-critical voice feels overwhelming and you can’t quite see a way out…
You’re not alone with it - and you don’t have to just keep pushing through on your own.
There is a different way to approach this, and it doesn’t involve lowering your standards or becoming someone you’re not. It’s about learning how to work with your mind a bit differently.
This is exactly the kind of thing I support people with in therapy. You can read about how I work with high-achievers, and, more specifically, how I approach therapy for low self-esteem.
Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, or OCD, including autistic and ADHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.
I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.
If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, I offer a free, no-pressure initial chat.
