Why High Achievers Still Feel 'Not Good Enough' (And What Actually Helps)

If 'nothing bad happened' to you as a child and yet here you are, an anxious adult who's afraid of screwing up all the time... this one's for you.

Groundhog Day

Another day, another knot doing somersaults in your stomach. Another intense fidgeting session while trying to come up with 'the perfect' way of saying something in a meeting. Another hour of trying to convince yourself it's fine you're not a natural at some random hobby you've taken up even though we both know you want to excel (and you'll either fixate on it and practise 'til midnight or give up altogether because you 'never actually liked it').

You had what looked like a 'normal' childhood - supportive family, good grades, no major trauma. But here you are: constantly overthinking everything, never feeling quite good enough, desperately trying to prove yourself while simultaneously terrified of being 'found out' as a failure.

Why Always Being Praised Might Have Made You Scared Of Messing Up

Always being praised for being smart and doing well may not have been as good a childhood experience as you think. There, I said it.

Here's what may have happened: all that praise for being 'the smart one' or 'the hard worker' accidentally taught you that your worth depends on not messing up. Being praised for succeeding implicitly means that anything else equals failure.

The 'success' you're desperately chasing these days might not even be your own - but whatever you got praised for as a kid. Good grades and being respectful turned into 'good' degree, 'good' job, career ladder, life partner, house, kids... not rocking the boat. Naturally, without even being aware of it, messing up becomes unacceptable, and anything that puts you in danger of messing up scares the s**t out of you.

The Trap: More of the Same

It's the big stuff: the promotion, the bigger house, the more luxurious holiday. But most of all, it's the really small, mundane stuff: the going out with colleagues when all you wanted was Netflix and hot chocolate, the offering to run a meeting even though you know you'll end up with a headache, the double-checking all the forms although no one ever reads them.

You keep chasing the 'praiseworthy' things in the hopes that the voice in your head that keeps reminding you of how you can 'fail' at any moment will just shut up already. And you end up trying to solve the problem by doing more of what created it in the first place.

Chasing more of the stuff that wasn't your definition of success in the first place is probably never gonna lead to an authentic life - because there's a mismatch. Because when you go for CEO life when you actually crave feral gremlin life, you're not gonna have a good time.

Why High Achievers Feel Not Good Enough - A Mismatch

What if the way to get out of this wasn't to try harder, but to discover what success and worth mean to you? Not your parents, not your boss, not society. YOU.

And then you might discover it’s that unglamourous life where you slow down... because your mind and body need it. Where you give up... on everyone else's expectations but your own. Where you accept... stuff that's already here, instead of fighting so hard to fix everything. Where you LIVE rather than chase a life you don't even want.

What Might Actually Work

It's bloody exhausting - always doing stuff not because you want to, but because it's expected of you. If you zoomed out and watched your life as though it was a movie, what would you be yelling at the screen? Maybe something like... 'Just *** do it' / 'why are you *** saying that??' / 'why aren't you *** saying this??'

I know, it's easier said than done. But you gotta start somewhere. So, start by getting crystal-bloody-clear on what actually matters to you, what kind of person you want to be, what kind of life you want to lead - so that can be your compass.

Because when you know what you want your life to look like, the magic starts to happen. Like if you know you're actually an ambitious person but have been holding yourself back because you think you might 'fail', you might start with a small, inconsequential thing that still moves the needle. And that win will pave the way for more! Misery loves company, but so does freedom.

3 Small Steps to Start Living Authentically

1. The Movie Test Seriously - imagine watching your life as a film. What would you be shouting at the screen? Write it down. Those frustrated thoughts are your authentic self trying to break through.

2. Define Your Own Success Grab a piece of paper. Write "Success to me looks like..." and finish that sentence without thinking about what anyone else would say. No career achievements, no shoulds - just what would actually make you feel fulfilled.

3. Start Stupidly Small Pick one tiny thing you've been avoiding because it might not be "perfect" or "impressive." Do it badly. On purpose. Watch nothing terrible happen. Build from there.

Now What?

If the thought of starting to live like the real, authentic you got you excited (or maybe even a little uncomfortable!), but you’re not sure how to go about it….

I work with high-achievers and overthinkers who are tired of performing their lives and ready to start living them.

We can work with the anxiety, the overwhelm, the procrastination, the overthinking - but not in a 'plaster over a bullethole' way. We'll both explore deeply and use active interventions to help you unhook from the "there's something wrong with me" loop, so your true self has space to emerge and bloom.

Because you deserve to live the life you actually want - not the one you think you should want.

Read more about THERAPY WITH ME, and have a look at INTENSIVE THERAPY too, for an accelerated version.