You’d Think Reassurance Would Help - But It Never Really Sticks
You know that feeling when you get a really urgent intrusive thought and feel like you need to resolve it immediately?
Like when you’re just about to close shop for the day but then… “what if I made a huge mistake in that report?”.
Or after a conversation when, instead of going about your day, your mind goes… “what if I said something really stupid and made a fool of myself?”.
Or leaving the house and it’s “better check all the plugs, switches, doors, and windows” to avoid disaster.
Or even when you’re about to go to bed but your brain starts convincing you “what if I’ve completely forgotten everything for tomorrow’s meeting?”.
So, it seems reasonable that you’d go back and check your report, ask your colleague if what you said made sense, triple-check everything, or re-read all your notes.
But if you’re here, something about this probably isn’t working.
And I’d bet it’s the fact that it’s all taking over your life, and that no amount of it gets you complete certainty.
What reassurance-seeking actually looks like
When people hear the phrase “reassurance-seeking”, they generally think about asking people around them “is it going to be ok?” over and over again.
And for sure, that’s a big part of it - and a big reason why OCD and related difficulties affect relationships so much.
But it doesn’t just show up there. See, a lot of things you might be doing are essentially trying to achieve the same thing - to reassure yourself that your biggest fears won’t come true, and relieve the anxiety that comes with them.
So, think about it - how does this show up for you?
Sometimes, it may indeed be asking other people, “does this sound right?”, “are you sure?”, “what do you think?”, “can you check this over for me?” - trying to get that sense of certainty from somewhere outside of you.
But other times, it may be checking things yourself - emails, reports, transcripts… or plugs, locks, buttons. Going over them again and again just to make sure.
Or maybe researching things - looking up information, signs, symptoms, to convince yourself you’ve not missed anything.
And sometimes it’s more internal - replaying conversations or events in your mind and analysing them over and over again to try and “figure it out”.
Often, it’s a mix of all these things. Different forms, same goal - to feel certain, to feel okay.
And the tricky part is… it works. At least for a lil’ while.
Why it feels like it should help
Here’s the thing - if reassurance-seeking wasn’t doing anything that felt helpful, you wouldn’t do it. Of course it feels helpful in some way - I wouldn’t dream of denying that.
So let’s think about why that is.
A big part of it is that it reduces anxiety in the moment. The fear spikes, you do something to try and resolve it, and you feel a bit better - like you can finally breathe again.
But underneath that anxiety are some real fears. And doing something about them makes it feel like they’re less likely to come true - and therefore, that perhaps you’re not the bad, irresponsible, incompetent person your mind is warning you that you are.
And if we were to zoom out a bit, it’s also about feeling more in control. There’s hope that you can, this time, if you just try a bit harder, achieve that certainty you’re so desperately looking for. Because uncertainty is scary, I get it.
All of this makes lots of sense. And yet… you’re still stuck - because it doesn’t last.
Why it never actually settles you
I was trying to come up with a metaphor here, and the best I could conjure up was the image of a monster that’s always hungry - and if it doesn’t get fed, it starts to feel unbearable.
So you feed it.
And while it’s eating, you get a bit of relief. The anxiety drops, and you feel like you can just about breathe again.
But the problem is that just as one “meal” is finishing - one check, one reassurance, one round of figuring things out - your mind is already scanning for the next thing to feed it.
And over time, the monster gets bigger and stronger. It requires more checking, more certainty, more reassurance to get the same short-term relief. And you? You’ve centred your whole life around keeping it fed.
You’re stuck - because the system now reinforces itself.
So the question is, how do you escape this?
It’s less about “starving the monster” in a forceful way, and more about befriending it, and teaching it to find its own food.
That is, gradually changing how you respond to it - so you’re not automatically feeding it every time it shows up.
This metaphor is imperfect, but I hope you get the gist: The key is learning to change the system, and being willing to experience some discomfort as you do.
Why it feels so hard to stop
The moment you even consider changing this system, your mind will immediately go “but what if…”, or “it’s irresponsible!”, or “the stakes are too high!”.
And again, all of this is convincing, and it sounds reasonable - at first glance.
When your worst fear is being found as incompetent and your life crumbling, or being a bad person, a murderer, a deviant - it can feel almost safer to stay exactly where you are.
What you’re missing, though, is that by entertaining all this, you’re still stuck. You’re still feeding the monster.
What actually helps
Because the distress that comes with the thought of changing the whole system is real, the key is taking things bit by bit, gently.
You might start by making a list of all the things you do to prevent disaster, and arranging them from easiest to most difficult to drop - then tackling them step by step.
To help with this, you might learn to get to know your mind and body really well - so you know exactly when the pull to “feed the monster” starts, before it gets too strong to resist.
And then, you need to learn to relate to your anxiety and your thoughts differently - so that when they show up, you know they can be there, and you don’t get lost in them, or act on them with no discernment.
Gradually, all this builds up your capacity to let go of that need for complete certainty, and navigate life with a bit more flexibility and kindness towards yourself.
If you’re stuck in this loop and can’t seem to break out…
You’re not alone with this - and you don’t have to keep trying to figure it out on your own.
Whether it’s getting really specific and structured with your steps, or learning to relate to your thoughts and anxiety differently in real time, this is exactly the kind of thing I support people with in therapy.
You can read about how I approach therapy for OCD, and more generally, how I work with high-achievers - because the fear of failure that’s so common in this group can sometimes show up in patterns that look like OCD.
Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, or OCD, including autistic and ADHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.
I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.
If you’re curious about what this could look like for you, I offer a free, no-pressure initial chat.
