"I Know The Dog Is Friendly - So Why Am I Still Scared?"
For someone with dog phobia, this is a tale as old as time.
You see the fluffy teddy-bear-like dog who’s happily trotting in the park and you know, intellectually, that the chances of anything going wrong are slim - and you still panic.
You meet your neighbour with the tail-wagging golden retriever who plays with all the kids - and your heart skips a beat.
Not only do you know yourself that these dogs are probably harmless, but you’ve also been told, repeatedly, “don’t worry - he’s friendly!”. And when you still look like you’re about to break down or run away as fast as you possibly can, the dirty looks follow.
You feel ridiculous. A wave of embarrassment, shame, and the annoying voice inside your head that says “just get over it!” wash over you. And maybe a bit of frustration too - because it was snakes you were scared of, or heights - people wouldn’t bat an eyelid.
Knowing something is safe isn't the same as feeling safe
“I know in my head that not all dogs are dangerous, but when I’m there, it just feels like it”.
As someone with cynophobia, you probably know, intellectually, rationally, logically that you’re safe in the vast majority of situations involving dogs. You might even have done quite a bit of research to try and reassure yourself - so much so that you know more than the people around you.
But when you’re actually faced with a dog, all that goes out the window. Intellectual knowledge gets overridden by fear.
It sort of makes sense, when you think about it. The reason we humans experience fear is survival. Our fear system alerts us to potential dangers and threats so we can be prepared to protect ourselves - and survive.
To be efficient, that system needs to act fast. There’s no time to debate, weigh up probabilities, and rationalise. So, when you’re faced with a dog, your fear system takes over - quickly and automatically - no matter how much you know they're unlikely to be dangerous.
Why reassurance rarely helps
Those mostly well-intended things people tell you, like how their dog just wants to say hi, doesn’t bite, or is well-trained - at the point of being in the middle of a fearful situation - are just noise. You don’t even hear them anymore, because your brain is focusing all its energy on keeping you safe.
At best they go in one ear and out the other, at worst they leave you feeling misunderstood and ashamed - after all, you know these things, and they still don’t bloody help.
In fact, this kind of reassurance might even contribute to keeping your fear going. Every time someone tries to reassure you, or you try to reassure yourself, you may unintentionally reinforce the idea that there is something dangerous enough to need reassuring about in the first place. And you may start to believe that you need to feel better, or less anxious, before you can cope with being around a dog.
What actually helps with dog phobia
Can I actually start with what doesn’t tend to work? Because when people hear about CBT, they often think about challenging their thoughts - and in this case, that’s rarely going to make much of a difference.
Again, because you know this stuff. You can probably give me all the evidence against the thought that all dogs are dangerous, or that this dog might attack you, or that that dog is aggressive.
What you can’t, probably, do is (relatively) comfortably be in situations where there are dogs around.
Which is where the exposure side of things comes in - although that’s another misunderstood one. People might think exposure means you just have to go pet a dog. Maybe you’ve tried all of this already, and it’s only made things worse.
But exposure isn’t about throwing you in at the deep end and hoping for the best (there’s actually a word for this, “flooding”, and that’s not recommended). Instead, it’s about figuring out several, often quite a few, manageable steps that get you to where you want to be, bit by bit. Graded exposure, you see - where each step is challenging, but not overwhelming.
Alongside this, it may also help to change your relationship to anxiety itself - so you understand it better, and can respond to it more skilfully. And if you learn a bit about dog body language along the way, that can make it easier to judge situations a bit more accurately, and feel more confident in them too.
If you’re tired of knowing all the reasons why dogs are less dangerous than they feel, and yet your dog phobia still isn’t budging…
You’re in the right place. It’s not easy to have a phobia that some people don’t even consider a “real” phobia and instead minimise it to being “just a bit afraid”.
A phobia that people try to reassure you out of, when you’ve already tried all of that with barely any results.
So if you’d like to approach this systematically, using evidence-based therapy that actually works, that’s exactly the sort of thing I help people with.
Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist
I use evidence-based approaches - CBT and exposure therapy, alongside ACT and mindfulness - to help people build confidence around dogs in a way that actually feels doable and sustainable.
You can read more about how I approach therapy for cynophobia.
I also work with high-achievers with a fear of failure as my other speciality.
If you’re curious about whether working together might be helpful, I offer a free, no-pressure, initial chat. It would be great to meet you.
