It’s a nice late Saturday morning, the sun is shining, and you don’t have any plans. That is, you’ve done everything that needed to be done urgently, and everything else can wait - so, in theory, you can just relax.

You know you need it - you’ve been keeping a headache and a cold at bay, you've been pushing yourself quite hard… you’re bloody exhausted.

So, here you are - legs up on the sofa, hot drink next to you, a book, or your favourite series, or some hobby at hand. Bliss.

You take a deep breath, sigh heavily, close your eyes briefly, take it all in. The quiet. Glorious.

And then it starts:

Heart pounding
Clammy hands
Fidgeting
Restlessness
Mind going 1000 miles/hour

“Guess it was too good to be true”, you think to yourself.

Carina, therapist for anxious high-achievers, standing in her kitchen, leaning onto a cupboard, reading a book, her dog in lying down in front of her

Anxiety as a slightly overzealous protector

Before anything else, it’s important to say this: There’s nothing “wrong” with you. You’re not abnormal, ridiculous, overreacting - or whatever your mind may be telling you.

This anxiety that you’re feeling - because, yes, those signs we’ve just described are usually signs of anxiety - is rarely, if ever, without reason. In fact, anxiety serves a very important function in the human body - it’s meant to raise an alarm so we can be ready to protect ourselves from threat.

But, while this was very important in prehistoric times when we needed to be on alert from sabre-tooth tigers, nowadays it may be a bit overzealous. Basically, our minds and bodies haven’t quite caught up with the fact that nowadays a lot of us tend to find ourselves less often in mortal danger, so they react the same way when we read an email from our boss.

And if over time, you’ve learned that resting is also somehow unsafe, then of course your mind will do anything to keep you from it.

Why your high-achiever brain struggles to switch off

Here’s the crux of it: Right now, your mind and your body feel uncomfortable, or even unsafe, when resting.

I’ll explain this from two main points of view, which feed into each other:

1 - High-achiever beliefs and rules

Our experiences growing up affect the way we see ourselves, other people, and the world - and the rules we make for ourselves to keep safe.

High-achievers will often link their worth to achievement - and achievement often requires things like always being prepared and responsible.

You know what achievement is not usually linked to, in people’s minds? Resting.

2 - Getting caught in thoughts and feelings that snowball

So now, keeping in mind that resting already feels somehow “forbidden”, imagine trying to do it - and your mind goes:

Ah, have I checked X?
I should do Y.
Oh no, I won’t have enough time for Z.

You understandably start feeling anxious. So your mind then goes:

Is there something wrong with me?
Why can’t I ever relax?
If I can’t rest, I’ll burn out and lose my job.

Now you’re anxious about your anxiety about your inability to rest. So then your mind has opinions about this too:

I wish I could just switch off like a normal person.
I’m useless.
I can’t even bloody rest.

So maybe some sadness or hopelessness has now come up.

See where I’m going? Snowball of thoughts and feelings that keep you stuck.

Why trying to relax or calm down is not the answer

In fact, it just makes the snowball bigger and bigger.

Because when you tell yourself to “just relax” or “just calm down” - and then try really hard at stuff like deep breathing, yoga, affirmations, but inevitably fail - your mind’s ready to step in and start telling you:

See, I can’t even relax!
Why am I like this?
Maybe it’s because I shouldn’t be relaxing - yes, that’s it!

There’s that saying that goes “No one in the history of calming down has ever calmed down when told to “just calm down””.

Because you are not calm. The anxiety’s already there. You can’t will it to go away - and the more you try, the more attention you give it, the more stuck you get.

Try these mini-thought experiments with me:

If I told you I could give you a billion dollars if you truly fall in love with the next person you see, would you be able to do this?
If I was a crazy scientist and had hooked you up to a machine that instantly kills you the moment it detects any signs of anxiety, would you be able to not be anxious?

You wouldn’t. Because you can’t make emotions appear or disappear on command. And in fact, you’d probably get frustrated or more anxious or angry trying to.

Not to mention - you might have a hard time resting in the first place because of those beliefs and rules that essentially tell you that you don’t deserve it.

Switching off is tricky - so maybe you should stop trying so hard

I know, easier said than done - I’m guessing, for a number of reasons:

You’re exhausted - so really need the rest
You’re used to achieving things - even if it is, paradoxically, rest
Not trying may feel like giving up
If you don’t try, what are you bloody meant to do, right?

I really do get that push and pull between feeling guilty if you’re trying to rest, and when you do decide to give it a go, not being able to, and feeling even more overwhelmed, anxious, or frustrated.

That’s why my approach is simple (but not always easy), and freeing - it’s less about changing, fixing, or getting rid of, and more about noticing, allowing, and befriending. Yes, I’m aware this sounds a lil’ vague, so read below where I explain.

What actually helps a high-achiever rest

Right, here’s how I would approach this, as a therapist who specialises in working with high-achievers:

I’d start by helping you identify what beliefs and rules are at play for you when it comes to resting and switching off, and
- Notice when they are at play
- Consider how helpful they truly are
- Test whether loosening them up a bit might work better
- Reflect on what this all means to you, and what some self-compassion might do
And I’d also help you get really good at what this all looks like day-by-day, moment-by-moment, so that you can
- Recognise when you’re getting stuck
- Learn tools to help you relate differently, more gently to your thoughts and emotions

This way, we’re working on the “deeper”, more fundamental level, without which change can be really tricky, but also, granularly, at the in-the-moment, perhaps at times habitual level, which can often keep us stuck even if fundamental changes are bubbling.

If trying to switch off your brain has made you even more exhausted…

You’re in the right place. This is the exact sort of thing I work with in therapy. You can read more about how I approach therapy for high-functioning anxiety, or, more generally, therapy for high-achievers.

Carina, an experienced CBT therapist for high-achievers who struggle to switch off, smiling at the camera, resting her head in her hand

Hi, I’m Carina - an experienced, yet very human BABCP-accredited CBT therapist specialising in working with high-achievers with low self-esteem, high-functioning anxiety, or OCD, including autistic and ADHD folks, as well as LGBTQIA+ folks.

I use evidence-based approaches - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but really from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and mindfulness perspective - so if you’ve tried CBT before and haven’t really connected with it, I might be your person.

I offer a free, no-pressure, initial chat to see how we fit and if it would be helpful to work together - it would be great to meet you!

book your free intro call

Your Brain Doesn’t Really Know How to Switch Off