I’m Not Going To Be Productive Today

(Post written on 28 Feb 2023, only uploaded now - because I haven’t been productive!!)

Today is my non-working day. I went to sleep last night thinking I would start today by doing 45 minutes of indoor rowing (which I've been trying - and failing - to do consistently twice a week for many months, despite the machine being 5 metres away from me as I write this post). Then, after a shower and some breakfast, I was going to work on this website for a bit. Productive!

Reader, it's 11:11 and I've not rowed, nor worked on the website.

What I have done is have some breakfast while watching the first episode of a show about Zelda Fitzgerald. I also made some tea, and flipped through a book which I am hoping will inspire me to figure out how to live in a more balanced way... for example, by not feeling like I need to plan even my days off, or like I need to have exercised and been productive by 11am or the day is a write-off.

I'm noticing quite a bit of anxiety today. No matter how much I breathe, my chest feels tight, and I can feel my heartbeat all the way from my chest to my stomach. I'm a bit shivery on the inside, and my brain is foggy. Part of it may even be that I've not stuck to my plan today, which of course, creates a vicious cycle - I'm anxious because I've not done what I had planned to, but I'm not doing it now because I'm anxious. How delightful.

The thing is, I can do stuff while I am anxious - and often, that's the wiser choice. Sometimes though, like today, the wiser choice is to sip my tea from the enamel mug I love, flip through this book that gives me the illusion of making a change, and pause for a moment to enjoy the sunshine and quiet (as much as you can have that on a February Monday in London). Notice my anxiety and not make much of it. Notice my tea is getting colder and more bitter. Notice my leg is falling asleep.

I can work and row later - for now, I think this is what I need more.